“We see that these people who are having the successful marriages, who are idealizing, are really very forgiving in how they attribute problems,” Dale Griffin psychologist at UBC said. His finding is that partners who idealize their spouses to a certain extent, have happier marriages.
We all know that love is a powerful equation, as when we love someone; we also idealize that person, and as a consequence, we will not attribute our negative feelings to that person. The kid who is noisy and disruptive and who is not ours, is considered rowdy and undisciplined, and if ours then will be considered enthusiastic and intelligent. We forgive our kids more readily and will often seek to provide compassion and love, when we find they are unhappy. The same can be said for our spouses, as when we are in love; we will attribute any short comings in our marriage, to other factors, and not blame our spouse as vehemently.
Dale’s carried out his study over five years with newlyweds, he found that normally the level of satisfaction steadily deteriorated, over the years for a lot of the couples. It was only the idealistic spouses who ignored their spouse’s shortcomings, who continued to be happier as time progressed. While we must live with facts and face reality, to be successful in life, it is not the same in our relationships. Being overly factual and ground in reality actually may cause relationships to deteriorate, as a little bit of hope, imagination and dreams are required for true bliss.
Based on these findings I want to raise the pedestal on which I put my spouse. It is now my deep belief that if I would only idealize her some more, then our marriage will be even better. In a world of stark and grim reality, I have been too rigid and have allowed her to be confined, to the dark dungeon that has become our home. It is high time that I removed the cobwebs of my mind and allowed the clear light of faith to shine on our relationship. She is not to blame for my unhappiness but instead she is the bedrock of my current and future happiness. I cannot forgive a fact, but I can definitely love and forgive my soul companion. We must add humor and remove hardheadedness to be happy.
So the solution is not in living in a real world where relationships are concerned, but to live in an idealistic world. Give your imagination some string and let it fly. Chose a little humor, some compassion and love, and the weight of the relationship will lessen. The weight on your shoulders will go away, and the hate that clouds of your judgment, will be removed. A simple touch will become electric, and a spoken word becomes an opening to much better communication both physically and emotionally. Fight if you must, but at the end learn to forgive and forget.
I can see the clouds of doubt lifting from my eyes and the hate and my long held distaste melts into the ether. She is like a goddess and I am like her god, and we are on the path to eternal happiness. I love the ground she walks on, and that is enough for now. There is a happiness that envelops us and we are on a path that grows brighter every day. I forgive my past hurts and am one with the present and start again, as each day a new relationship blossoms. Love is not enhanced by carrying the destruction of the past hurts like a loadstone, but instead by trusting our partner will help us make a better life. I reach for her, but she is already on the pedestal now, so our happiness grows and all is well again. Fifty shades of brightness appear before my my eyes, as I look up lovingly, and see my spouse in this new light of knowledge.