Desire colors our world

The dream rises in my deepest sleep, and slowly unfolds into my semi-conscious mind; and colors my mind, in its strange red color. I know it is her color, as only she has brought it into my life; as it is the color of her desire, which also rises in the dream. I grasp it and love it, and play with it and then feel it slipping out of my fingers, like water, and it leaves a sorrow behind. It is the bereavement of parting and the more I cling to it, the more quickly, it slips away. It is her gift to me and I awake to a hollow sorrow, which leaves me wondering why she must always be just so.

I wake and try to smile as I have forsaken this past and have promised myself, that I will awake with a smile to a new reality. Her color and her desire wrap me in a cocoon of sorrow, as I know that what she has given to me is only transient. All our grasping and our indulgences and our desires are wrapped up in this wakening, as only she could have done this to me. I loved and lost, and now the joy of the mingling is to live on, only in my memories; and arise only, in my deepest dreams.

My smile is wider now, as the shadows fall away and the new day rises. I meditate on the now and seek the lethargy that was our love, and bask in the glow that was our color. Our love awakened our senses, to an ecstasy of evermore. Oh slowly I say to my mind, rise slowly and let me enjoy this moment before the universe rushes in. All my yesterdays have now arrived at this pinnacle of realization, that without her I am nothing, and yet with her; I was less than nothing, for she had long ago become my everything.

The sounds of the birds outside wanders into my consciousness and the music of this universe starts to sing its daily song. I know that I must rise soon and forsake this bed and all it held dear. Who would have thought that the passion would fade and the desires banked and our color fade, when it seemed to be the only gift of life. This primordial desire was quenched and then rose again and was satisfied again in a circle of life. Now I reach out and my companion is gone and I find that there is only emptiness, where there had been everything.

My reality awakes and I step out into the day and the color of the morning is yellow, as the red fades back into the night. I want to mingle with this new day as I know it is all I have now, but something holds me back as if I await a sign. I will not let myself be dragged into the past of sorrow and will also not let the fear of the uncertain future, confound me. I step away from that bed but cannot give up the glory of that love. or the fulfillment of all the desires, as only she walked on that lonely path with me.

I rejoice in what I have lost as such is life and all it gives to us. If not for her I would not have known the joys of this life and if not for her, there would not have been the yesterdays of my dreams. Why she has moved on, I cannot say; and why I remain trapped in this endless sorrow, I cannot say. All I know is that love once was and now I am trying to rekindle that which no longer exists. I laugh aloud at this comedy of existence and worship her again, as my life was only for the unfolding of her love. While she has moved on, I am yet alive and will hold dear even the memories, of what once was. I walk alone into happiness, with the hope; that someday she will follow, and we will walk as one again.

“There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart’s desire. The other is to gain it.”
George Bernard Shaw, Man and Superman

This entry was posted in Happiness, Hope, Life is valuable, Self actualization by Rajiv Kapoor. Bookmark the permalink.

About Rajiv Kapoor

Rajiv Kapoor was born in New Delhi. He was educated by the Jesuits at St Xavier’s, and graduated with Honors, from The University of Delhi. Rajiv Kapoor did his MBA in International Business from Penn State and is now settled in the US. He has traveled across most states of India, when he was working on modernization of Rice Mills, and understands their diverse culture and history. This book is a historical fiction, dedicated to his city of birth. His extensive research dives deep into a critical moment, in India’s long history, for his latest Historical Thriller “The Peacock Throne Wars”..

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