It is 3:30 AM again on the next night; and I look up at the night sky and see that Venus shines in the same position in the sky, that Aries the hunter is on his tireless march across the heavens but in the same place as yesterday, I look up high and see the seven sisters in the same place and then I look down and the same pulsing galaxy far far away continues to pulse and send its energy down to me from its same position, just above the neighbor’s roof. It is Déjà vu and nothing seems to have changed; but I know it is a different night, and yet everything remains the same. I am the same reality; and I walk the same steps and relive the night before, and have the same questions and get the same answers, and smoke the same cigarette and sip the same green tea, and yet everything is different. Life has gone through another day; so why do I still appear to be stuck in the same rut, and the wheels of existence churn away at the same rate.
I am reading the Shvetshvatra Upanishad toady; which talks about the face of God and how it is found in the heart of everything, while we live in the duality of conscious spirit and unconscious matter and the veil of Maya that separates it. It states that when all the three Gunas are seen as one; the Self reveals its universal form, and serves us as an instrument of divine will. In its verses the devotion for the Lord of Love is supreme; it shows the path from the changing world of the senses, to the fulfilling presence of a causeless and changeless reality. Deep in my heart; tinier than the width of a hair, this Self is the knower and the bestower of life and consciousness; and it flows from Brahman and returns to him. I am ignorant of its presence and veiled by Maya, cannot feel its presence. So I must mediate using a mantra like Om to still the mind; and seek teachings from the teacher who will aid me, to help pierce this veil of ignorance and find the Lord of Love and the supreme reality.
I come back inside and the sense of Déjà vu remains; as I flip the same switch and the same light illuminates the same room, of my home. I sit down to write this and it is the same ego; and the same intellect, which is controlling the mind, which in turn holds the reins on the senses, which are focused on the same sense objects. I am like the bird on the tree of life; who is partaking the fruits of pain and pleasure and suffer and rejoice in my activities, and my desires lead me to seek birth again and again, to go through this unending cycle that separates me and gives me identity. I do not see that other bird sitting on the same branch; who just looks at me eating the fruits of pain and pleasure, and does not partake in them, and has awakened his Self, and is rooted in the ageless and timeless Lord of Love who is the seer, knower, creator and destroyer of everything.
So another night is passing and I am no closer to the answer of my quest as this life seems to move in circles; and I have lost my way in the labyrinth, of my own senses and desires. The Lord of evolution has lit this spark, and I am free to evolve along my chosen path where the GPS has a temporary glitch it seems. I want to recreate that magic of that first love so tender and sweet, the pleasure of the first sip of that water from the mountain spring to quench my parched body, find again that green valley rising into the evergreen mountain forest, which haunts my visions of and I know that once I dwell in it, I will have peace. I cling to the same dreams and aspirations; caught in this web of Maya, and all paths lead to the same results. Even these Upanishads mocks me by repetition as if reborn; for the Shvetshvatra Upanishad’s beginning invocation is the same, as the one I read in the earlier opening to the Isha and the Brihadranyaka Upanishads:
All this is full. All that is full.
From fullness, fullness comes
When fullness is taken from fullness,
Fullness still remains
Om shanti shanti shanti
I guess that the knowledge that is to be sought from these scriptures, is not an instant cure; but has to be absorbed slowly, and realized over time. Everything is already full and already exists as per his laws; and the interchanges of energy and mass, as time and space move into each other, remain ever changing, but what is created is complete. One has to purify one’s body, still one’s mind and then take the time to dwell deep into the lotus of our heart. It is only another passing night I realize; and I still have many lifetimes to go, before the light that leads to the state where there is no night will be mine. Then I can be one with Brahman in every waking moment; and this dream state and dreamless state will all pass into that all knowing state of consciousness, where I will be one and not dual. I flip back and read again the opening invocation from the Chandogya Upanishad; and decide to try and understand its haunting words, as perhaps therein may lie the clue to this mystery’s solution, that the seers have shown. Here I may find the start of that faint path; that is a subtle path, that is subtler than time and space and reality, and I will be freed at last from this ego and this perishable body, that I cling to so lovingly. The Self (Atman) they say is hidden in the lotus of the heart; and those who see themselves in all creatures go day by day into the world of Brahman, hidden in all our hearts. I resolve to take the first step on this journey and follow in the steps of the ancient ones, who first revealed these words:
Lead me from the unreal to the Real
Lead me from darkness to light
Lead me from death to immortality
Om shanti shanti shanti