She called me while I was in a meeting with my boss and surprised me as I turned off the ringer. Later on when I came down for a smoke with my buddies I called her back. She said it was a bad timing as usual as the kids had just returned and now she had no time to talk to me. Oh I could not recall the last time that she had called me, just to spin a yarn or pass the time. I am now less than nothing, as I feel the time to talk and remiss about our love and our desires and our hopes is gone. Why do we fight incessantly, when we are together and the kids have to tell us to calm down. I know no other whose love is so important, yet I am the one who instigates and presses those buttons that she hates.
Tomorrow will be another day and I will call her and we will discuss as she watches her serials and answers in those hun hun hun monotones as I spill my life history to her. The time is not now and the timing is off as usual. I do not talk about her hair being long or short or the beauty of the sunset or the sunrise, on the Pacific. There is no time to discuss the passage meditation course that I want to take up with Easwarn Ekanath’s group in CA as she has no interest in it, even though she forwards me daily snipets from Brahmakumaris. I read the email and am lost as to who is this person and why does she continue to improve me after all the decades that we have spent together. I am who I am and will never live up to her expectations. As Bob Dylan sang “its not me babe that you are looking for,” but she never knew him or his music and I wonder if the Sufis ever experienced my pain.
It is a celebration of life and I ring her back and she acknowledged my existence and also warns me that if she ever sees my behavior deteriorate beyond her acceptable limits that I might as well pack and leave. I know no other love and am devastated as this is my reality and talk to my son and he says Dad why can’t you just move on and make Mom happy. Happiness I want to tell him is so ephemeral, but do not have the words to express myself. I dare not talk to my daughter as she is rearing my beloved granddaughter and she will surely rake me over the coals, even though I love her more than life itself.
So I am here alone in my hotel room and enjoying the view of the Pacific and the waters are no longer peaceful and the lights of the city of angels is a vortex that draw me to the depths of my soul. I reach out and touch none and only Brahma is here with me, in this endless space. I repeat the gayatri mantra and then the void takes over. I am who I am and this hopeless crud of humanity is my very soul. Who will recognize this time or this space for I am lost and she is so far away. I crawl into bed awaiting tomorrow, as I know today will never end and the lotus of the heart will not blossom and the Buddha is there on my horizon, and just a hair width out of my grasp. Life is full of despair; but hope is never lost, till I talk to her again and can express that I am sorry for whom I am. She will respond with her hun hun hun and I will be ecstatic in the Sufis dance, for I am the one who will finally find life’s ecstasy at just her one hun.